I had my final round of chemotherapy today and I have to say I am overjoyed to know I will never have to see this red medicine (the doxorubicin part of the doxorubin/cyclophosphamide treatment I was on) being pumped through my veins ever again. This is partially because after 6 rounds, I’ve reached my lifetime cap for using this medication; the risks to my heart would go up substantially from here so that’s the end of that stuff. Thank goodness for strong placentas, my amazing midwife, and Gary for keeping my spirits up in the chemo-clinic for the past several months.
Doxorubicin: Thank you and your cyclophosphamide counterpart for seemingly magically killing off the cancer cells in my breast at an even more rapid pace than they were growing at (which was rapid!), and making the breast part of my upcoming surgery able to be less invasive and drastic than it otherwise would have been without you. I won’t miss the taste of you in my mouth as the IV was pumping and for the next day afterwards, or the way you turned my urine red for a couple of days. I will not miss the post-chemo migraine and the extreme feeling of dehydration and dry skin. I remain so grateful that I have not had the more extreme acute side effects that many folks on these drugs can tend to have. While I don’t want to overly downplay the mental tax or the nuisance of the exhaustion to make them sound like taking on chemotherapy while pregnant has all been a total piece of cake, overall my experience on these drugs has been a generally fine one – perhaps partially due to luck, partially due to being in good health and fitness pre-diagnosis and treatment, partially due to the pregnancy (I’ve developed a theory that pregnancy helps with chemo symptoms), and hugely due to being able to rest, care for myself, and be so well cared FOR through all of this. It doesn’t quite feel “done”; these next days and weeks of recovering from chemo will be the yucky ones and I need to remember to take care of myself well while my body process this last round of meds, and all it means is now I have to prepare for the next phase of treatment which feels daunting, but it’s practically speaking good this part of the ritual is almost over.
I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how we tend to only accept or give help during deep suffering, when support long before that point is what prevents suffering in the first place. It’s a lot harder to pull or be pulled out of mental or emotional suffering than to have resources that will hopefully prevent us from getting there, as it has so much so with me. Like in labour support – it’s so much better to provide support that keeps birthers and their families in a place of coping and confidence from the BEGINNING than it is to wait until they have reached frustration and despair to go over and try pull them out of that place (ie why really good doulas are so impactful at a birth. Just sayin’).
I have just under a month to recover from this last chemo round and make sure my immune system and blood counts are recovered before surgery – scheduled now for December 19th. The hard part of the surgery will be the axillary dissection – the removal of all of the lymph nodes in my left arm. There were too many lymph nodes involved to make it seem reasonable to try to just remove select ones effectively, so that part will be more invasive and intense and require some arm rehab for mobility and prevention of complications.
Following that, I’ll get a break from treatment while this baby finishes growing inside of me and we wait for birth.
I was able to finish of the year and with a few amazing work things I am so glad I was able to participate in – teaching a final Wise Woman Way of Birth doula training and attending the end of a special repeat client’s birth! I had to take a leave from work so abruptly that it felt like really beautiful closure to be able to do both of these things and feel complete as a prepare for a winter hibernation of surgery, recovery, and birth.
Next year’s doula training dates are now listed, and will be led primarily or fully by Gloria Lemay while I take a postpartum leave. I’m quite attached to teaching that course so I may weasle my way in later in the year, but that’s the plan for now.
Talia, Meena, and Candice will be holding down the fort here at Birth Takes a Village on the birth and postpartum doula services, birth photography, and Birth At Home Prenatal Classes front. We also have full spectrum doulas we are referring to for miscarriage and abortion support. So keep sending folks to my website for any of these services and Meena will set people up with whatever they need!
Friendly reminder: I share everything I want to share here on my blog, so please don’t ask for extra details if I haven’t offered them up, and save your questions for another time long, long, long, after birth (ie when and if I announce questions are welcome). I’ll keep updating what and when / if it feels good to share. I’m also still not requesting extra advice out of the people I’ve been actively choosing to ask for it from. Sharing feels good in many ways (it is therapeutic to write AND it saves me from having to tell the same updates and reflections over and over again to different people!) and extremely vulnerable in others; people will always make their own assumptions and try to read between the lines of or make small judgments about anything that’s shared, it’s human nature in many ways, so I keep reminding you of these requests to feel more comfortable in continuing to share.
I truly and deeply appreciate the outpouring of love and messages of support we continue to get. I’ve had friends and family and past clients and students and colleagues reach out to comment on their belief in me or the impact I’ve had on them and these messages warm my heart.
Dawn is still faithfully coordinating people in the community reaching out to ask if there’s anything we need, so she’s the person to reach out to if you feel called to do so (you can email Meena at birthtakesavillage@gmail.com for her contact info). We are really already very well set up and have our needs being so well met. We couldn’t be more lucky or well set up and cared for. Thank you all for loving us and following along.
Note from a midwife friend from my early-pregnancy ceremony; reflecting on this note as I prepare for this next phase of winter hibernation with chemo recovery, surgery, surgery recovery, and the final months of pregnancy:
The grizzly bear, of course, is for the mama bear. You have been a mama bear to many and you are already such a mama bear to your little one. The bear has to have serenity, too; it knows it can’t change the winter so it adapts and hibernates. then she wakes up and is all courage and strength, like you.
If you missed the previous posts, you can find them here.
Want to stay in the loop as we journey through our pregnancy with breast cancer, we can catch you up as we feel inspired to – just click here to give me your email address and I’ll add you to the update list if you aren’t already on it. Not sure when the next update will come so don’t wait with baited breath or anything.
You can also follow me on instagram @jessicaaustinchildbirth